Somedays my thoughts are just cacoons all cold and dull and blind. They hang from dripping branches in the grey woods of my mind. And other days they drift and shine such free and flying things. I find the gold dust in my hair left by their brushing wings ~ Karle Wilson Baker


Because I havent blogged in FOREVER!
Because I am tired of looking at that old post! Because I have felt both things and had both cacoon days and flying days but niether has inspired the acctual writing of anything!
JUST BECAUSE ... Today I thought I would share some tidbits that I love. ALL were collected in my highschool days from different places. They sit in a binder in a box, one of those with memorabilia in it, the kind that remains untouched for months or years at a time... for that reason I appoligize know for any improper citings or credit for work! I truly respect the authors and thier writing, what they wrote touched me enough to keep for many many years. Even if it was in a box under the bed! HOPE you enjoy!


O'er the Earth there comes a bloom, sunny light for sullen gloom, warm purfume for sullen cold, I smell the rose above the mold! ~ Thomas Hood





Look mornfully into the past, it comes not back again, wisley improve the present, it is thine. Go forth to meet the future, without fear and with a manley heart~ unknown





"Again a new commandment I write unto you, wich thing is true in him and in you; because the darkness has past and the true light now shineth" ~ 1 John 3:8





Though my soal may set it total darkness it will rise in perfect light I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearfull of the dark! ~ unknown





"Happy are those who dare corageously to defend what he loves" ~ Orviel








"It is only through the morning gates of the beautifull that you can penitrate into the realm of knowledge that what we feel here as beauty shall one day be known as truth! " ~ totally one of my very favs! I wish I knew!

And last but certainly not least! ...

"Nothing Gold Can Stay" by Robert Frost

Nature's first green is gold, Its hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower, but only so an hour

Then leaf subsides to leaf, so Eaden sank in grief

Then down goes dawn today. Nothing gold can stay.

Me and my little red wagon

I had a dream that I was walking down the road heading from the middle of nowhere woods to town pulling a little red wagon with all my stuff in it.. The classic vision of a child who intends to “run away from home” things like their blankie, a favorite stuffed toy, maybe a juice box, and some rocks… but I am not a child and in the dream I was a little frustrated and a little scared but mostly just trudging along trying to manage the pile of boxes overflowing the wagon. I was just one person trying to manage the pulling with one had and the piling boxes with the other trying desperately not to get hit by traffic.

Unsure of where I will go just knowing its anywhere but where I was and somewhere in the direction I am heading. I am at a very particular spot in the road that I know well. The spot just before town where there are no hills ahead only curves and just far enough out that town is still hidden (the sight, the feel, the energy) If one was heading from the middle of nowhere woods to town, its far enough past the last turn to somewhere other than town that you are more than half way between that last turn and town. Backtracking would be, well, out of the way and backtracking! It was at the spot just where the last of the up hills have brought you to the last of the down hills. No more climbing, but no more barreling down on inertia, just at the point where if you were riding said inertia you would have stopped coasting.

I am not worried so much about the stuff, I don’t even know that I want it and I certainly know there is very little there I need. But I hold onto it because it is all that I have, all that I own, and somehow traveling down the road with nothing would be more scary and seem to the traveling peoples passing by a bit more silly and strange…. (really? cause pulling a red wagon with near toppling boxes down the side of the road isn’t strange? But it’s a dream and those were the feelings) I remember my dream self thinking that it didn’t really matter if I lost some of the boxes because I dint ‘really” care about them anyways. That was it. That was the dream, no beginning no end, no closed doors behind me, no light at the end of the tunnel ahead, just me and my red wagon slowly but surly moving down one very small chuck of the road.

I don’t believe I have ever had a dream that so perfectly analogized my life, no confusion, nothing cryptic or strange. Just the matter of fact of it all. Yesterday morning I got into a bit of a tussle when someone started hassling me. About nothing and everything. She said to me many things about growing up and getting over myself. Things in anger. Things in hurt. Things that really had nothing to do with me. There was a point in the conversation when she said “ I thought that party would snap you out of this, I guess… well… I just don’t understand depression” REALLY?? ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?? I said nothing. I could have but I didn’t .

What I think she doesn’t understand is the red wagon and the stuff and the road to anywhere but here. She doesn’t have to pack it up and travel it. She doesn’t have to leave with nothing more than what she started with. She gets to stay where she is and wake up and live her life (our life) just as it was continuing on with where it was going. Just keeping at it until the dust settles at which point she has the choice to live “our” life just as it was only not as we imagined, or pack up her own red wagon and move down the dirt road. All while the whole world says “there there, poor you, I cant believe she’s doing that” I have compassion for that believe me I do (I have had damaging to my own ends compassion) I am well aware of the pain and the hurt and the holy shit of it all. Because I feel it! I know it! but I also know the little red wagon and the courage and the strength and the exhaustion and the burden of being the one!

I am depressed, or was, or am.... And every one is worried about me and everyone wants to help and no-one knows what to do, and I don’t know what or how to ask for anything more than the blessings of support surrounding me! What my bitter and angry and worried and hurt ex-wife doesn’t get, and what my well meaning friends in many circles maybe get and maybe don’t, is that this is just the part of the road I am on and I just need to travel it and go through it until I make it! The really hard parts are over! Now its just one spot in the road. AND that party did snap me out of it a bit! That party (did I tell you some super sweet people threw me a surprise party for my birthday? Well they did! And it rocked! ) It was the exact thing I didn’t know I needed and wouldn’t have thought to ask for. Given to me in a way I couldn’t dare refuse! And that party was like having a tarnished heart dusted off and polished in just the right spots, just enough to let it shine through where it was ready and remain protected where it needs to be. It gave me one bright beautiful box for my wagon! ONE WORTH SAVING!

So here I go back down the road. Long since past are the ups and downs and riding the inertia of what I started… past the coasting stage.. Beyond the resting point…just around the corner from the squatting on the curb…somewhere a ways away from the pounding my fists on the pavement screaming how I just cant get up and get going again….far enough away from the burn in your legs hike to the top…. and a continual smidge past the holy fuck ride down the hill. Pushed or pulled, jumped or slide, the ride has stopped. There I stood and there I picked up dusted off again and kept going. There right at the almost there spot in the road with my little red wagon and my little unnecessarys for comfort with my little banged up knees and messy hair and tear stain cheeks. Too old to suck my thumb and cry until a stranger thinks to stop and help. Too grown up for calling for a ride. Too far away to from here and there to expect someone I know to pass by and rescue me. Too young and alive to have someone pull me along! So I go with my little red wagon, balancing my near toppling things, me and my little tarnished heart.

I will make it to town, I am coming! I am almost there!